Charlotte’s Web

After years of being locked out of my own blog, I finally figured a way back in. A familiar relief only familiar words could provide. Welcome home. I’ve missed you my dear friend.

Many things have happened since my last entry. Connections severed & hopes crushed. Listless, lifeless languishing birthing new pain that’s indescribable & inescapable.

I am but a hollow soul with a heart that’s barely beating.

I find it ironic that I thought I would be flooded with words from years past, yet I am maimed by the silence my existence has become.

How do I turn my pain into poetry? There was a time I was capable of this but it’s been so long that my creativity has been overgrown with cobwebs.

Oh if only I had Charlotte on my side.

Bare Branch

I hate myself and I hate my life. Isolation. Desolate dreams. Obliterated hopes.

I must run away from all that hurts. Distance myself from the daggers that slowly kill.
A new start miles away from all that I know.

Kill my existence or kill myself?

Good people do good things. But good people are only good at certain things.
You can be good person but a terrible family member. You can grow and grow apart from your roots to create your own.
As a tree grows it's roots spread out. Reach out from one another, reach far far away.

I am a lonely root with no direction and path of my own. I am faulty. I am a failure. I am ALONE.

Those good people are gone doing good things in the lives of others. I am ALONE.
I have no family, as the Chinese say I am a "bare branch." DEAD END.

I can see the darkness, I dream of it often. Of being erased and eradicated from this pain.
The silence is beautiful, I picture myself surrounded by trees. Perched high on a strong sturdy branch. Taking in the beauty of nature, taking in my last breathe.

I see myself stand and take that final look, take in the last memories of a life of pain and I see my feet fall beneath me. Then nothing. Just a dangling lifeless carcass. Left to be consumed by nature. A full circle.

This dream is ever night, it's in everything that I do. As these days I do nothing. Paralyzed.
I must leave and find this tree of hope. I must find the branch that will set me free. I can not wait to go home. I can not wait to see Nanny and GG and God and PEACE.

Life is hard, Death is easy. Death is Peace. A peace that I sha'll seek and finally find. I just dont want to continue this endless battle. It's just too hard. I'm just not compatible with life. and Life goes on and everyone's life will go on. You can morn, you can hate you can curse my name and that's Ok.

It's ok because I will be FREE. There will be no more pain. There will be no more me.

HOW?

In several weeks it will be 9 years since I tried to leave my pain and this world behind. It's been 9 years of HELL ON EARTH. 9 years that turned a flame into an inferno.

I'm out of faith and all that follows. I've lost myself and all that was and now I'm trapped in all THAT IS.

A hollow shell physically fused to a broken brain. I've grown weary of constant battles, constant pain and constant isolation. ALL self induced. ALL internal. ALL TOO REAL.

FUCK SCIENCE. FUCK WHOEVER IN THIS WORLD WHO CREATED THIS MADNESS:
BIPOLAR.
WHY DID YOU PICK ME??
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE LIVING SO HARD?
WHY WOULD YOU CREATE SOMETHING INCOMPATIBLE WITH LIFE?

I can't escape this pain. It's ALL that I feel. It's ALL that I see and my tormented brain never stops.
My mind, IT WON'T SHUTUP. The screaming is so loud. Painful ear piercing noise. .

I don't want to cause pain but if what I FEEL COULD BE FELT by others there would be UNDERSTANDING. Not of WHAT IS but of WHAT WILL BE and WHY.

I have no one in this life except Family my Family have their own and I, I AM ALONE. No Love, NO Children, No existence.

How do you fight Chemical Delusion? 
How do you win a war against yourself?
How do you survive? Function with faulty parts?

YOU CANT. 

There's just no way to win this war.
There's no way to stop this pain.
THERE'S NO WAY TO SILENCE THE DEMONS IN MY MIND.

There's no way to stop the inevitable.

 To force someone to live a life a pain.

To force a smile through tears.

To say "I'M OK" when I am NOT. 

To stop the clock that's counting down. 

I AM DONE. I WANT PEACE. 

I WANT HEAVEN.

and my Heaven  IS NOT on this Earth and it was never meant to be.

Bipolar Links

 Here's some links to Sites, Forums and Videos I have found over the years that have been the foundation of my understanding of Bipolar Disorder.

There's ALWAYS HOPE & There's ALWAYS HELP.


Psychcentral WONDERFUL Forum & Resources

National Alliance of Mental Illnesses

Bipolar Magazine Information and Forums


Bipolar Support Forums

"Up/Down" Incredible Bipolar Documentary on Youtube

The following links are to some Youtube videos by Crash Course. Informational with a touch of humor. They have videos on PRACTICALLY EVERY TOPIC!! Love these guys & they simplify complex subjects.

Crash Course: Bipolar and Depressive Disorders

Crash Course Psychology Playlist.

Red Wine.

Open the gates
let the gardens overgrow
secrets chant their prayers
it's time to let them know

unseal the silent lips
words begin to flow
hope  resonates within
as she sips on God's Merlot

Bipolar Tool Box.

After researching and searching for tools to help me track my episodes and triggers I stumbled on mood logs. I made these for myself using some that I had found. They've been extremely helpful for me in seeing the trend in my thoughts and identifying some of the habits that cause them.

I thought I'd share these since most I found were too small to print or had to be purchased. I hope these will be helpful for others like they were for me.

 

I use the one above to help me track my sleep, diet, exercise and the medications I take. It helps me understand and see how these factors play into how I feel the following day.

The one below I use to track my days as a whole and how my mood was for the entire day.

This colorful one I use throughout the day to track how my mood shifts each day by placing a X on which one I'm feeling at the time and the time I felt it. It's also good in being an easy to read guide/log to share with others as it doesn't disclose all the specifics but rather Just the different types of moods. Sometimes I'll write one word descriptions next to the X's like: Discouraged, Anxious, Paranoid, etc.

And the last one I use for myself to write down a more in depth expression of my emotions, thoughts and actions that correlates with the color chart times/dates. It helps in serving as a instant release of the emotions I'm feeling.

Fig Newton.

If there's nothing nice to say then don't say it all. Silence perhaps is sickness's best policy.

Should I hide my inner truths behind a painted Jesture's mask?
Disguise my feelings behind a smiling clown?

I'm kicking rocks that kick back. Newton's law continually reminds me of the winding life I lead.
Speak of plague and plague will come. Speak of peace and it shall be.

You are what you've become, the manifestation of what you speak.

I'm not sure how to get there from here.
 How stand from years of crawling.
How to be strong in the face of fear.

I'm unsure of how to be anyone other than me yet who that person is I still don't  know.

Should I continue onward with typing out my tongue or stop the outpouring that floods a reader's mind? My thoughts are my own and perhaps should become just that.

A smile never hurt anyone and the hurting rarely smile so where does the line get drawn? When does black turn white? Where do you start when you've never truly begun?

Spin the wheels, the wheels they're spinning. The smoke rises up and the dust still unsettled.
Unsettling be the truth yet the truth may now become the lie.

Point the camera. Lights flash. SMILE. say cheese. say anything other than what's inside you.
Laugh. Joke. Move about this world like the world moves about you. Look around, look up, look down.. look anywhere other than inside.