Last night I openly shared myself during one of my most vulnerable moments. A glimpse into a true manic depressive episode.
The words I wrote were the thoughts that coat my brain like thick molasses.
Chemical corrosion.
I was delusional after a marathon of sleepless nights and nightmares that left me terrified and waking in pain. There's been mornings that left me paralyzed by a searing pain. My shoulder and arms couldn't reach, my legs couldn't walk. A situation that would leave anyone frightened of each new day.
I barely made it home after working a hectic schedule with a 2 hour drive both ways. The room was spinning, my head was pounding, and my vision was blurred. I finally broke. Snapped like a limb from a tree in a storm.
Most would say I'm lucky with the job I have. I'm paid a salary for a 40 hour week but working a schedule that requires even less. Too much free time for a Bipolar mind is like a prescription of self destruction. I'm reliant upon a structured schedule. When days lack uniformity my mind fails to take the reigns allowing the horses to run free.
A destructive derby on unsteady grounds.
Today I see my psychiatrist. My backs against the wall with little room to breathe. I'm not in the position to commit myself into the ward though I know my current condition needs it.
Ducks need to be lined in a row, the ropes need to be tied and my body needs to rest.
This equation has to be solved and something's got to give. I'm scared of what's to come but I'm aware of what may.
Today I'm feeling better, I slept almost 12 hours. A temporary revival. I'm restored to a temporary state of normal function. Let's hope it's semi-permanent or at least the first step.
Time to lace up my shoes and get moving. Not time to sit and allow Mr. Manic to grab hold of me again.
The words I wrote were the thoughts that coat my brain like thick molasses.
Chemical corrosion.
I was delusional after a marathon of sleepless nights and nightmares that left me terrified and waking in pain. There's been mornings that left me paralyzed by a searing pain. My shoulder and arms couldn't reach, my legs couldn't walk. A situation that would leave anyone frightened of each new day.
I barely made it home after working a hectic schedule with a 2 hour drive both ways. The room was spinning, my head was pounding, and my vision was blurred. I finally broke. Snapped like a limb from a tree in a storm.
Most would say I'm lucky with the job I have. I'm paid a salary for a 40 hour week but working a schedule that requires even less. Too much free time for a Bipolar mind is like a prescription of self destruction. I'm reliant upon a structured schedule. When days lack uniformity my mind fails to take the reigns allowing the horses to run free.
A destructive derby on unsteady grounds.
Today I see my psychiatrist. My backs against the wall with little room to breathe. I'm not in the position to commit myself into the ward though I know my current condition needs it.
Ducks need to be lined in a row, the ropes need to be tied and my body needs to rest.
This equation has to be solved and something's got to give. I'm scared of what's to come but I'm aware of what may.
Today I'm feeling better, I slept almost 12 hours. A temporary revival. I'm restored to a temporary state of normal function. Let's hope it's semi-permanent or at least the first step.
Time to lace up my shoes and get moving. Not time to sit and allow Mr. Manic to grab hold of me again.
