Stumbling waltz.

I am such a train wreck. Not really something anybody would want to love. I don't really think anyone would want to put up with all this constant back and forth, up and down, laughing and crying. I don't really think anyone would want to put with me and I don't blame them.

 No one ever has so why would anyone now?

One glimpse of my ever changing chaotic mind and they walk away.
They all walk away.

I am alone but I do this to myself, I know this. I don't have to be told.

I see everyone around me happy, loved, liked.. important.
I see everyone around me but none of them see me.
They never have, maybe because I've never let them. I've never let anyone.

It's pathetic that I find relief in a pill. It's pathetic that taking my medicine can calm me better than any person or anything. It's even sadder that I can express more in my writings than I could ever physically speak.

I don't know. I've been in a state of complete devastation all day. hiding in my room, hiding from everybody.

Does anyone really care? sure.
Do I feel like they do? no.

It's not that bad right? I have so much to live for right?
 Maybe I do and I just don't see it. But so many times my mind makes me so sick that I can't see anything. I can't function. I only cry and hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. It's tiresome and lonely.

It's hard enough fighting and even harder fighting yourself.