I’m stumbling on the thoughts of where to begin.
Endless driving alone leads to contemplation and temporary insanity.
Though it’s practical given the circumstances; it still goes without saying “doing
the same thing over and over is insanity.” Music can only keep you company for
song long. Eventually the lyrics become a toxic mixture of emotions.
I’m not sure what’s happened. I have no answers of how it evolved
all I know is that I feel different.
My perspective
My desires
My needs
My life.
Clarity has awakened my oblivious, naive, and childish mind.
“When I was a child, I
spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I
became a woman, I put away childish things.”
I am no longer that frivolous girl. I am a woman that’s
covered in scars of apathy, self-affliction, and false hopes.
The reflection in the mirror speaks the truths I could not
see. A damaged body from the fowl plays I’ve constantly been running; denying
the truth that it would one day catch up. That day is today, this week, this
month. It’s all there right in front of me.
I look in the mirror and I see this weathered, tattered, and
torn soul. Blue eyes have turned to grey decorated with tiny wrinkles; trinkets
of tears. A Body, once youthful, is now weathered, deteriorated, and
aged. These things are just a part of growing old but I am way older than my
label’s number.
I’m uncertain of how to play these new cards I’ve been
dealt. Everything was looking up and I believed wholeheartedly in my life’s
direction.
I was wrong.
How could things have ever been real if they were covered in
lies? Everything in my life has been one big lie.
Not lies I’ve been told but
lies I’ve been telling myself.
Lies that have left me stranded like a hitch hiker in the
desert and as lifeless as torpid wooden doll.
There is no love nor hate, only a
sense of stale neutrality.
The day my life was forever changed is nearing on the calendar.
I day meant for my sister that I tainted with despair. A sense of despair that
has returned.
I am in despair.
