"Is anybody even there? that doesn't just pretend to care? It's time I need to know. Are you there?"
Enough pity on myself bullshit. I'm angry with myself for continuing down a path of self destruction. I'm 28, I know I know better. I know I know myself better than this and sitting around, wasting away in self pity and sadness is only added fuel to the raging fires.
Get a grip.
I have a wonderful job, a wonderful family and I'm lucky to have what friends I do that are still standing by me despite my attempts to shut the them out. There's a comfort in knowing through the silence they still hear my pleas.
Things have got to change. Things MUST change.
If I keep telling myself this, chanting like the little engine that could, surely I will get it through my thick, stubborn, hazed over head.
What am I waiting for?
How can I ask anyone to help me help myself when I haven't even given myself to do so?
My family tells me to look to the sky. The greater power.
My friends tell me to look within myself. Inner strength.
I'm telling myself absolutely nothing and that's the problem.
Somewhere there's a short circuit. Somewhere somethings not getting through.
I know love has been my kryptonite for years. I fear being alone. I fear not being loved but how can I honestly love another if I can't love myself?
I fucking can't.
I'm waiting for him to come back, but will he? probably not.
I'm hanging on the fact I feel he understands me, but does he really? Hell no.
He thinks I'm a liar, a horrible person with a horrible past.
People make mistakes and lord knows I have made more than a autobiography's worth.
Have a learned from them? I'd like to think so, but I haven't learned this biggest lesson of all?
This being that is "It's called a Breakup because it's broken" and somethings just can't be fixed no matter how hard you try or how much you believe you can.
I tell myself to get over it, stop eating junk food to feel better. It's only making me gain weight and feel more horrible about myself.
I can't let go because I'm afraid no one else will want me.
Is this true? probably not.
I'm not a bad person but I'm not perfect. No one is.
I work my ass off and I want something to come home to, I'm 28 and I'm starting to wish I had a family of my own. I'm wanting that with someone who's the exact opposite. I'm slowing down while he's speeding up.
When running, cycling, swimming and the gym are so important that heaven forbid you miss one moment of it to see someone you love then there's a problem. I've been replaced.
Wake up. right?
Helllooooooo, earth to Amanda.
Guilt is inflicted on me when I'd ask for him to be waiting on me when I got home, exhausted from a long day and a long drive home. Guilt was inflicted on myself because he was getting in the best shape he's ever been in and i was neglected myself and my own health.
Time to smell the coffee, or the big heap of shit I call my life. that would probably be more of a wake up call. It stinks, my attitude stinks.
I'm done beating myself up for now. I've got to harness this energy and turn it into something positive. In the past my pain was channeled into energy at the gym and that's where it needs to be again. I need to better myself through my career and myself.
He doubts my abilities because of mistakes I've made. But anyone who knows me has told me I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's time to listen to the music, it's time to hear what they've been telling me all along.
Enough pity on myself bullshit. I'm angry with myself for continuing down a path of self destruction. I'm 28, I know I know better. I know I know myself better than this and sitting around, wasting away in self pity and sadness is only added fuel to the raging fires.
Get a grip.
I have a wonderful job, a wonderful family and I'm lucky to have what friends I do that are still standing by me despite my attempts to shut the them out. There's a comfort in knowing through the silence they still hear my pleas.
Things have got to change. Things MUST change.
If I keep telling myself this, chanting like the little engine that could, surely I will get it through my thick, stubborn, hazed over head.
What am I waiting for?
How can I ask anyone to help me help myself when I haven't even given myself to do so?
My family tells me to look to the sky. The greater power.
My friends tell me to look within myself. Inner strength.
I'm telling myself absolutely nothing and that's the problem.
Somewhere there's a short circuit. Somewhere somethings not getting through.
I know love has been my kryptonite for years. I fear being alone. I fear not being loved but how can I honestly love another if I can't love myself?
I fucking can't.
I'm waiting for him to come back, but will he? probably not.
I'm hanging on the fact I feel he understands me, but does he really? Hell no.
He thinks I'm a liar, a horrible person with a horrible past.
People make mistakes and lord knows I have made more than a autobiography's worth.
Have a learned from them? I'd like to think so, but I haven't learned this biggest lesson of all?
This being that is "It's called a Breakup because it's broken" and somethings just can't be fixed no matter how hard you try or how much you believe you can.
I tell myself to get over it, stop eating junk food to feel better. It's only making me gain weight and feel more horrible about myself.
I can't let go because I'm afraid no one else will want me.
Is this true? probably not.
I'm not a bad person but I'm not perfect. No one is.
I work my ass off and I want something to come home to, I'm 28 and I'm starting to wish I had a family of my own. I'm wanting that with someone who's the exact opposite. I'm slowing down while he's speeding up.
When running, cycling, swimming and the gym are so important that heaven forbid you miss one moment of it to see someone you love then there's a problem. I've been replaced.
Wake up. right?
Helllooooooo, earth to Amanda.
Guilt is inflicted on me when I'd ask for him to be waiting on me when I got home, exhausted from a long day and a long drive home. Guilt was inflicted on myself because he was getting in the best shape he's ever been in and i was neglected myself and my own health.
Time to smell the coffee, or the big heap of shit I call my life. that would probably be more of a wake up call. It stinks, my attitude stinks.
I'm done beating myself up for now. I've got to harness this energy and turn it into something positive. In the past my pain was channeled into energy at the gym and that's where it needs to be again. I need to better myself through my career and myself.
He doubts my abilities because of mistakes I've made. But anyone who knows me has told me I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's time to listen to the music, it's time to hear what they've been telling me all along.
