Yesterday sent Despair scurrying to the tips of my toes.
Like a begging dog it patiently waited, to rush upon me, to take a bite.
I spent most of my morning in limbo. Hidden behind a translucent
curtain meant to confine and protect me from the buzzing and bustling in the
room. Stretchers and hospital gowns quickly became the imaginary scenery in my
mind. Redundant questions spun rotational answers sending my mind spiraling in surreal
apprehension. I knew I needed to be there but the constant words pinged off the
walls and jostled my bed.
I was waiting externally for an internal procedure. One that
would bring about answers to my taunting screams of pain. I was idly waiting with
a restless non- medicated mind.
Distractions were traded with opaque brown walls that dawned a black number 4.
I was fourth in line but forced to wait due to a few impulsive crackers earlier
that morning.
Too much stagnant time for a bipolar mind quickly becomes
the noose over the gallows.
Tighter. Tighter.
Breathe.
DROP.
After several laggardly crawling hours, I was rolled back
to my surgical destination. My mind
shifted focus to the nurses surrounding me. Their talk was like any other 9 to
5 job, Birthday cakes and babies. They hovered over me spouting their routine
statements. By then my mind was rampantly twirling and failed to comprehend
their directives. A few more minutes then I rolled to my side and into the
silent darkness of sedation.
Returning to a comprehensive state felt like a blink of an
eye though in real time I knew it was much longer. I was shuttled from my bed
to a wheelchair and into a car with a waiting mother. A few shuffled movements
and off we went to her house and back to the deadly silence of my mind.
My Bipolar
Kryptonite.
The rest of the day was a mere blur though the presence of
the suicidal demons remains. Yesterday took me back to a darkened place, back
to where I’d struggled to escape, back to Despair.
Now I sit starring down the barrel of the contemplative gun. To
pull the trigger would be so bittersweet. A spring loaded goodbye from a
lifetime of struggle.
