All of my videos, my writings, everything I've done for the last roller coaster of a year is now on a laptop I can't fucking see.
You can tell me to simmer down, calm down or whatever but in the midst of the First severe epiosde in over 7 months there's no way your going to derail my psychotic, depressed, over emotional train.
One can't continue to go about life with this constant shift in polarity. It gets old, sure you have bad & good days & blah blah .. Don't feed me your "everybody does" bullshit because what I go through, what anyone with a mental illness goes through, is not remotely close to a healthy person depression or bad day. If it could be & we had a choice for it to be don't you think we would?
No we are not like everyone else,
no we are not crazy.
Yes we hide ourselves from the judgemental naysaying stereotypes stamped on our foreheads and because of the unbearable stigma we place on ourselves because we're told & expected to. Fuck that, fuck all of this.
I'm fighting the urge to rip every painting off the wall, tear up every drawing & writing & shatter every little thing I've created. Why? Because I don't want this. Seeing with a blueprint is a gift but one hell of a damn curse. Creativity is the epicenter of every delusional mind.. All great inventions & masterpieces were created in the chemically deluted mind of the sickend visionaries. They visualized things others coudnt because while others slept their minds never stopped.
My mind never stops. It only shuts down til failure only to be resurrected by an overload in circuit breaker that binds me to this madness.
It's madness.
Plain & simple with no need to sugar coat the scars. Scars I can't hide & ones that burn through my hollow skin. I am an inferno within a shell.
I don't want to continue doing this because I simply can't. No one can. Take a step back & watch life through my eyes. Take in my every gasp for air, feel the burning of the tears pouring down my face & feel the pounding of my heart in my tiny chest.
If only those who know me could see then they would realize their expectations are my life sentence.
Fuck, I don't want this shit I never asked for it. I was born with it & I'll die with it & this is my life & my decision.
