It's been months since I've sat down to write but frankly no one sees my words anymore and there's a huge part within me that could care less.
Less is better, as it's said, and I'm beginning to come full circle in the realization that less is better in this lifetime.
When I was younger my head was filled with all the things I wanted and now years later I'm surrounded by those things but finding they fall short of any need. What I've always wanted was what I never really needed. Too much of something is never good yet we always tell ourselves too little isn't enough.
I'm caught in a vicious cycle that's demanding more than I can give and with no choice to change it without drastic measures. Sure we all face different struggles and dilemmas and we all deal with them differently.
To each his own.
Lately the demands are rising while my body is failing. I'm stuck having to do what I barely can because somewhere in the past a part of me wanted more but never stopped to question if I could handle it.
It's always the fast track. A rat race filled with mundane bullshit we feed ourselves to overlook the truth.
Simplicity.
Here I sit in my nice condo filled with nice things and a fancy car sitting outside and I sit here questioning "Did I really need all of this?"
The obvious is the answer. NO.
I wish I still kept my normal 8-5 job and my average, reliable, decent car. I didn't need all these new things and the fast pace price tag that came with them. I fool myself into thinking time and time again that I've fallen short when in reality I was right where I needed to be.
It's always been more, more, more. Now I'm sitting here praying to take it all back. To have nothing would be bliss. No worries because all I need would be all I'd have. No bells and whistles just necessities. Basics of survival.
As the demands for long days and endless travels are rising I'm finding my world turned upside down. I'm stuck in cage of financial demands and starting to loathe what I once loved.
Less is better, as it's said, and I'm beginning to come full circle in the realization that less is better in this lifetime.
When I was younger my head was filled with all the things I wanted and now years later I'm surrounded by those things but finding they fall short of any need. What I've always wanted was what I never really needed. Too much of something is never good yet we always tell ourselves too little isn't enough.
I'm caught in a vicious cycle that's demanding more than I can give and with no choice to change it without drastic measures. Sure we all face different struggles and dilemmas and we all deal with them differently.
To each his own.
Lately the demands are rising while my body is failing. I'm stuck having to do what I barely can because somewhere in the past a part of me wanted more but never stopped to question if I could handle it.
It's always the fast track. A rat race filled with mundane bullshit we feed ourselves to overlook the truth.
Simplicity.
Here I sit in my nice condo filled with nice things and a fancy car sitting outside and I sit here questioning "Did I really need all of this?"
The obvious is the answer. NO.
I wish I still kept my normal 8-5 job and my average, reliable, decent car. I didn't need all these new things and the fast pace price tag that came with them. I fool myself into thinking time and time again that I've fallen short when in reality I was right where I needed to be.
It's always been more, more, more. Now I'm sitting here praying to take it all back. To have nothing would be bliss. No worries because all I need would be all I'd have. No bells and whistles just necessities. Basics of survival.
As the demands for long days and endless travels are rising I'm finding my world turned upside down. I'm stuck in cage of financial demands and starting to loathe what I once loved.
When there is no love, there is no life and when life fills with rising demands to maintain then the joy is gone. Happiness isn't freely floating it's a forced fake smile that says "I'm OK" when in reality I'm not.
It's one thing to come home exhausted from a day's work and another barely able to see straight or strong enough to stand. Instead of praying "please just get me through this" I hear myself whispering "Lord, please call me home. Please make this stop."
We all anticipate the weekends yet I find myself saddened more because I know what's yet to come. What distance I'll have to travel white knuckling the steering wheel and blinded by the blurred lights and endless roads.
Drastic changes have to come and all these things will be gone. Gone because I never needed them and I only wanted them. Now what I want is what I barely need. The simple, stress free, no pressure "everything's going to be OK" things. Food, a warm bed, my Aloutte and my Faith.
To find myself I have to shed all these layers that have slowly oppressed the woman I once was. I don't need that fancy car, the huge TV that only I watch, the nice clothes I never wear. All I need is to know that I will be OK. That tomorrow won't bring fear of barely surviving the tasks that are piling up.
We are only free when we realize what's held us captive all this time. We are only free when we free ourselves.
I want to be free. I want to know everything will be OK. I want to know that I am capable of resurrecting the compassion of my soul and braking the shackles of the tedious and tiresome routine that has become my daily existence.
There is no need for love. There is no loneliness only a longing to love myself and to love each day rather than loathe it.
It's time shed all the standards I've placed upon myself and realize the truth.
What I've had all along was all I ever needed.
Money breeds evil and sinister motives, greed and gluttony.
If I had no dollar to my name but a tranquil sense of self worth and contentment then I would consider myself richer with an abundant life of happiness.
Drastic changes have to come and all these things will be gone. Gone because I never needed them and I only wanted them. Now what I want is what I barely need. The simple, stress free, no pressure "everything's going to be OK" things. Food, a warm bed, my Aloutte and my Faith.
To find myself I have to shed all these layers that have slowly oppressed the woman I once was. I don't need that fancy car, the huge TV that only I watch, the nice clothes I never wear. All I need is to know that I will be OK. That tomorrow won't bring fear of barely surviving the tasks that are piling up.
We are only free when we realize what's held us captive all this time. We are only free when we free ourselves.
I want to be free. I want to know everything will be OK. I want to know that I am capable of resurrecting the compassion of my soul and braking the shackles of the tedious and tiresome routine that has become my daily existence.
There is no need for love. There is no loneliness only a longing to love myself and to love each day rather than loathe it.
It's time shed all the standards I've placed upon myself and realize the truth.
What I've had all along was all I ever needed.
Money breeds evil and sinister motives, greed and gluttony.
If I had no dollar to my name but a tranquil sense of self worth and contentment then I would consider myself richer with an abundant life of happiness.
