I haven't got it in me tonight to be creative or alluring with my self contemplation.
I'm tired. So very, very tired of this sick twisted marry-go-round I live in. It doesn't make sense to me so it sure as hell won't make any sense to anyone else.
I don't understand it, I can't fathom how I went from being in somewhat of a state of normalcy to this; sheer sadness. It's ripping right through me like a tornado ravaging a town. I'm helpless.
Of course I could try and tell myself I'm not and "I'm OK" but there's no way to divert this overtaking inner monologue.
The only thing different this time is I had a sense of it's coming. I was driving over to get my dog and was listening to upbeat music and it's as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly I didn't want to listen to that music anymore. I flipped through and found a somber song and it spoke to me. Is it crazy to say music does such? It's as if someone took my emotions wrote them on paper and serenaded me through the speakers.
There really is no rationalization when this happens. Death becomes so beautiful. I don't see it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem I see it as a solution to a permanent one. It's not temporary if it's continually happening so much so that I can't go a week now with out some sharp tangent.
There's not many that see into my world because there's not many I trust and I'm sure even they are growing tiresome. It's exhausting to me so I can only imagine it is for them as well. If only they could see through my eyes, If only they could feel what I feel. The pain that tears through me, sadness, fear, shame, guilt.. all these things they torment me. I'm helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone when this happens but I can't be a burden and someone that needs constant babysitting.
Can't you see? I am doing no one any good by being here. I'm only inflicting my pain on others, but it's nothing compared to what I feel. No one could ever understand this. I can't breathe. I know everyone is tired of it, tired of me, tired of this.
Hopefully my medicine will put my mind at rest. I have to fight the urge that's overpowering at times like this. Such a sadness that my well being is reliant upon a pill.
I'm tired. So very, very tired of this sick twisted marry-go-round I live in. It doesn't make sense to me so it sure as hell won't make any sense to anyone else.
I don't understand it, I can't fathom how I went from being in somewhat of a state of normalcy to this; sheer sadness. It's ripping right through me like a tornado ravaging a town. I'm helpless.
Of course I could try and tell myself I'm not and "I'm OK" but there's no way to divert this overtaking inner monologue.
The only thing different this time is I had a sense of it's coming. I was driving over to get my dog and was listening to upbeat music and it's as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly I didn't want to listen to that music anymore. I flipped through and found a somber song and it spoke to me. Is it crazy to say music does such? It's as if someone took my emotions wrote them on paper and serenaded me through the speakers.
There really is no rationalization when this happens. Death becomes so beautiful. I don't see it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem I see it as a solution to a permanent one. It's not temporary if it's continually happening so much so that I can't go a week now with out some sharp tangent.
There's not many that see into my world because there's not many I trust and I'm sure even they are growing tiresome. It's exhausting to me so I can only imagine it is for them as well. If only they could see through my eyes, If only they could feel what I feel. The pain that tears through me, sadness, fear, shame, guilt.. all these things they torment me. I'm helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone when this happens but I can't be a burden and someone that needs constant babysitting.
Can't you see? I am doing no one any good by being here. I'm only inflicting my pain on others, but it's nothing compared to what I feel. No one could ever understand this. I can't breathe. I know everyone is tired of it, tired of me, tired of this.
Hopefully my medicine will put my mind at rest. I have to fight the urge that's overpowering at times like this. Such a sadness that my well being is reliant upon a pill.
