Tonight I went out for the first time in months with a friend of mine and a group of her friends.
What I didn't realize until I got there was that I was the odd man out. The desired third wheel.
It was hard watching the way they looked into each others eyes and all the little gestures they swapped in their own little world. I was an unwilling observer spectating and wondering what it would be like to have that again.
I thought tonight would make me feel good and break me of my hermit-ting ways but instead it slapped me with the blunt truth that most of the time I am alone.
As I sat there caught in the cross fire of their little lover's world not a single person glanced my way. I felt invisible in a horrible way, almost non existent.
Maybe it was the boot I dawned from a broken toe. Maybe my face that's covered with disease of the cystic nodular type or maybe both. Not a soul talked to me and it's not that I wanted them to it was just the fact that I was unnoticed and alone.
I feel ugly, ashamed and scared of the criticisms and judgements people will pass on me because of how I look now. Nothing was said about my face, thank god, but they had all been drinking by the time I had gotten there. This cystic nodular acne gives off a Quasimodo stench that perhaps was cloaked by the heroic actions of alcohol.
I want to feel beautiful again. A normal girl with beautiful skin and a smiling face. I want people to come up to me and start conversations just because rather than just pass by.
The feeling of being invisible to my friends and their lover's coo along with everyone in the entire building brought my hermit-ting instincts back to life.
No body looked my way, not once, leaving feelings of shame, humility and fear.
Perhaps going out wasn't the best thing for me right now.
I tried. I really did.
I just don't know what to make of this and where to come from here.
What I didn't realize until I got there was that I was the odd man out. The desired third wheel.
It was hard watching the way they looked into each others eyes and all the little gestures they swapped in their own little world. I was an unwilling observer spectating and wondering what it would be like to have that again.
I thought tonight would make me feel good and break me of my hermit-ting ways but instead it slapped me with the blunt truth that most of the time I am alone.
As I sat there caught in the cross fire of their little lover's world not a single person glanced my way. I felt invisible in a horrible way, almost non existent.
Maybe it was the boot I dawned from a broken toe. Maybe my face that's covered with disease of the cystic nodular type or maybe both. Not a soul talked to me and it's not that I wanted them to it was just the fact that I was unnoticed and alone.
I feel ugly, ashamed and scared of the criticisms and judgements people will pass on me because of how I look now. Nothing was said about my face, thank god, but they had all been drinking by the time I had gotten there. This cystic nodular acne gives off a Quasimodo stench that perhaps was cloaked by the heroic actions of alcohol.
I want to feel beautiful again. A normal girl with beautiful skin and a smiling face. I want people to come up to me and start conversations just because rather than just pass by.
The feeling of being invisible to my friends and their lover's coo along with everyone in the entire building brought my hermit-ting instincts back to life.
No body looked my way, not once, leaving feelings of shame, humility and fear.
Perhaps going out wasn't the best thing for me right now.
I tried. I really did.
I just don't know what to make of this and where to come from here.
