My vision is hazy, feelings as numb as dead mans limbs. I see nothing, I hear nothing, I want nothing, I feel nothing.
Nothingness has become the liberation of a lifetime of oppression.
I’m stuck on marry-go-round turning so fast the motor is smoking, going up and down so rapidly my brain feels stabbed by a jack hammer. There’s no voice inside to scream for it to stop, for someone to make it stop. It continues, it goes around, around, up and down, up and down.
I’m leading a dual life; one side is a happy go lucky hollow shell that most onlookers see. Jokes are my disguise. Humor my only alibi. If you look deeper you see the Jackal of this Hyde. Deep emotions, endless thoughts, constant questioning, self relentless self loathing. Underestimation is my best friend, insecurities are my family. Constantly there, constantly watching, waiting.
Pain is an escape. Whether it’s pushing my body to the limits in the gym, or hurting myself to the point of displacement. Pain has been in the shadows of my entire life. All memories are coated with pain, apathy, and regret. I’ve learned that if you are hurt or sick people pay attention rather than just walk by. Pain gives me the attention I am so deprived of. I am needy. I want to feel loved, I want to feel special, I want to feel as if I am the princess and center of someone’s life. I want to feel like I belong.
My self worth is that of a grain of dirt. What I have done, my actions, my ambitions, all fabricated to sugar coat the ugly person I really am. Behind this smile are shielded lies, actions of reaching out for attention. Everything I do is a cry for help. All my life I have been on the back burner, all my life I have failed the expectations unwilling put upon me.
I am ashamed.
I am weary.
I am lonely.
I am scared.
I feel as if I don’t deserve the family and people who care for me. I am not the person I have ever appeared to be, I don’t believe I ever will be. Drugs, physical pain, distance, solitude.. these things keep me separated from what matters. Yet I have failed at attempts to rekindle.
Love scares me, so much so that I am afraid not only for myself but of hurting those that try to get too close. I am un trust worthy and un trusting. I try but I am scared. My own father failed to truly show me what love means, how love feels for me ever comprehend how it really should go. I have been a constant disappointment, constantly questioned “will you ever be happy?” that I try to look for complications, I seek things that cause trouble, I seek pain, My fixation. I love distance, I love solitude.
I have grown weary of hiding, holding a double edged knife that constantly cuts deeper. I am constantly bleeding confusion, bleeding myself dry. Neglecting myself and focused on other so much the knife is so deep I can’t pull it out.
